Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
