i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
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