We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Randomize
