He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
