She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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