I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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