I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
