There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There's always time for handjobs
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize