When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
