Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Randomize
