My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
