and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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