i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
