Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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