i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
