Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
