Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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