The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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