but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
