i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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