Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
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