I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize