The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
