Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
