I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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