Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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