I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Randomize
