3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
She's the barista slut.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
