I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
There's always time for handjobs
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
