I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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