Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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