if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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