don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
