Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
