Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
