I have demons in me.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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