I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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