Please, let me fuck your mom
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
