He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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