wakey wakey hands off snakey
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize