I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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