"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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