Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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