3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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