i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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