I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
