I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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