Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
is it fun? or sober?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
