Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
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