question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
