That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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