My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
