Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
