im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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