...so i touched it.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
